Balance and finding peace

February was a huge turning point for me. It was on our 10 year anniversary trip, and I was contemplating being overextended… and I had brought along One Thousand Gifts to read.

That’s when I wrote them down:

Things to be known for:
Prayer
Motherhood
Spiritual leadership

After reading on page 66, “On every level of life, from housework to heights of prayer, in all judgement and efforts to get things done, hurry and impatience are sure marks of the amateur.”

Isn’t that just me? Always in such an impatient hurry, that I never become a “pro” at anything.

Well, not anymore.
I used that list, that weekend, to help me decide if I could continue to juggle the extra job of teaching people about microboards. It was a project that just made so much sense to me that it took awhile to evaluate how it was taking AWAY from what I was working toward in the long run.

• Praying. Always. First (before acting). With faith.
• Motherhood: the job that CANNOT be failed; sculpting of souls is a sacred vocation, a humbling privilege.
• Spiritual leadership. A different sort of motherhood.

Today, I am back to that list.
For the past month, even more 2 weeks, I have lost balance. The project this time: the microboard created to be a support for Arabella and Darin.
It became the creator, using me as a tool for it’s good.
I have not read my Bible, I have not enjoyed the kids, I have neglected other things, and I almost have an ulcer.

And yesterday, I started evaluating if this tool was worth all it was costing me.
Tonight, I decided it was not.

And the confirmation: ahhhhh, that old friend, peace

Book: The Gospel according to LOST

I haven’t been reading as much as I want to, but fit in a light read on several days at the VA with my Mimi.

My husband already wrote a much better blog on this book… but here’s my attempt.

I love LOST.
I like Chris Seay, and many of his co-authors in the Ecclesia family (namely, J Wakeham).
So I was curious to see how those 2 could go together.
I was really surprise just how well.

The Gospel according to LOST was written vignette-style, with a chapter on most of the main characters, and then chapters on the interpersonal relationships between different characters.
It was so enlightening!
The most surprising to me was the chapter on Hugo (Hurley). I didn’t realize how central and relate-ible he is.
The most accurate chapter was on Sawyer. I really like the closing ideas about how we do/do not want bad boys in our life to be redeemed.

The weirdest part of reading this book was how it influenced my viewing of the LOST Season 6 Premiere last night.
I’m not sure if I was watching the movie through my eyes, or the eyes of the book. It was definitely helpful for refreshing my memory, since I have only had time to rewatch Season’s 1-3, and didn’t recall much about the “Man in Black” who turned out to be a central character in the Season 6 premiere. If the book had not pointed this out, I would have been totally shocked by those flashbacks, and even more confused.

There are No Accidents

A letter from Judy Squier, who was born without legs, to a family with a child with a birth defect:

The first thing I would say is that all that this entails is at least one hundred times harder on the parents than the child. A birth defect by God’s grace does not rob childhood of its wonder, nor is a child burdened by high expectations. Given a supportive, creative and loving family, I know personally that I enjoyed not a less-than-average life nor an average life, but as I’ve told many, my life has been not ordinary but extraordinary.
I am convinced without a doubt that a loving Heavenly Father oversees the creative miracles in the inner sanctum of each mother’s womb [Psalm 139], and that in His sovereignty there are no accidents.
‘What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly.’ As humanity we see only the imperfect, underside of God’s tapestry of our lives. What we judge to be ‘tragic-the most dreaded thing that could happen,’ I expect we’ll one day see as the awesome reason for the beauty and uniqueness of our life and our family. I think that’s why James 1:2 is a favorite verse of mine. Phillips’ translation put it this way; ‘When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don’t resent them as intruders but welcome them as friends.’
I love Joni Eareckson Tada’s quote. When I saw it on the front of Moody Monthly, October 1982, I was convinced she’d penned the words for my epitaph. Now my husband David is aghast to hear me say I want it on my tombstone! Glory be!

People with disabilities are God’s best visual aids to demonstrate who He really is. His power shows up best in weakness. And who by the world’s standards is weaker than the mentally or physically disabled? As the world watches, these people persevere. They live, love, trust and obey Him. Eventually the world is forced to say, “How great their God must be to inspire this kind of loyalty.”

Being Christian didn’t shield my family from the pain and tears that came with my birth defect. In fact, ten years ago when David and I interviewed our parents for a Keepsake Tape, I was stunned to hear my mother’s true feelings. I asked her to tell the hardest thing in her life. Her response: ‘the day Judy Ann was born and still is…’ And yet when we as a family look back over the years, our reflections are invariably silenced by the wonder of God’s handiwork. Someday I hope to put it in a book and I know it will be to the glory of God
Getting married and becoming a mother were dreams I never dared to dream, but God, the doer of all mirables intended that my life be blessed with an incredible husband and three daughters. Emily is nine, Betsy will soon be seven, and Naphtalie Joy is four. I’ve decided that every handicapped person needs at least one child. They are fantastic helpers and so willing to let me ‘borrow their legs’ when I need help.
You as a family have been chosen in a special way to display His unique Masterwork. I pray that your roots of faith will grow deep down into the faithfulness of God’s Loving Plan, that you will exchange your inadequacy for the Adequacy of Jesus’ resurrection power, and that you will be awed as you witness the fruits of the Spirit manifested in your family.

(from Elisabeth Elliot, Keep a Quiet Heart, pg 29-31)

Book: East of Eden

My last read was East of Eden by John Steinbeck

I wasn’t sure what to think of the characters for most of the book – they were intriguing, but not quite like people I have met.

But I ended up loving the book because it turns out most of the character development was really just background for you (the reader) to understand all the influences on a boy’s life, Caleb. Then you could see the crossroads he was at in fighting his internal demons.

I can definitely see why it was a classic.

Book: Salvador Witness-The Life and Calling of Jean Donovan

My next missionary book is Salvador Witness.

Quotes:

We have to have a far more nuanced understanding of poverty. It is a terrible tragedy to see the world powers reading as communism what is in fact nothing more than the cry of the poor for justice.
If the free West really wants to contain communism worldwide, then it must attack injustice. If the West were to declare war on poverty and eliminate poverty, communism would be dead, because no on would believe it.
Christ dealt with it in very simple terms. He said, you behave equally to all men for my sake. And he said the truth will make people free. But you see, people don’t like the truth, especially when it is a demanding truth, when it demands reform and it demands a redistribution of wealth. (Father Crowley, pg 51)

Soon, the Bible and the Gospel won’t be allowed to cross our borders. We will get only the bindings, because all of the pages are subversive. And I think that if Jesus himself came across the border at Chalatenango, they would not let him in. They would accuse the Man-God, the prototype of man, of being a rabble-rouser, a foreign Jew, one who confused the people with exotic and foreign ideas, ideas against democracy – that is, against the wealthy minority… Brothers and sisters, there is no doubt, they would crucify him again. (Father Rutilio Grande, in last mass before his martyrdom, pg 88)

[Y]ou can contribute a lot and make a big difference in the world if you realize that the world you’re talking about might be very small – maybe one person, or two people[.] (pg 96)

She became aware that the very people she had come all this way to help – the illiterate farm workers and their families, surviving day to day in their bone-poor, uncluttered houses – had something that she wanted…. She began to discover that life as it was lived by the Salvadoran poor was more real, more humane,… [they] depended for their very existence upon each other. (pg 106)

The persecution of the Church is a result of defending the poor…If all this has happened to the Church, you can guess what has happened to the ordinary Christian people…As always it has been the poor among us who have suffered most… our persecution is nothing more than sharing in the destiny of the poor. (Oscar Arnulfo Romero, pg 117 (rearranged))

Book: Prisoners of Hope

My first missionary biography read was Prisoners of Hope.

What I learned:
In reading the experience of 2 women’s experience being imprisoned for sharing their hope in Afghanistan, I was able to compare and contrast their methods and reactions.
Heather, the younger of the 2, with less experience in the culture and a shorter planned commitment, reacted most like I think I would… meaning, we share character flaws. She alienated herself from the 5 Christian women imprisoned with her sometimes, she dwelled on her fears, she placed her home in rescue by America – I do not want to sound like I am criticizing her. I can’t imagine living through this experience. I just want to learn from her, so if I am ever there, I will able to make choices, rather than just default in my weaknesses.
Dayna, who had a 3 year commitment, seemed to know how to draw strength from disciplined reading of the Bible. She seemed to be able to step outside the fear about not choosing to be in the prison, and follow Paul’s example in seeing the opportunity that she had to ministry to women that she wouldn’t have had access to otherwise. She seemed to be logical about weighing out the fact that she had chosen to come there, intended to be there, and nothing about that needed to be altered for her to minister hope.

I also learned about the political system of a country in chaos. I was surprised to see that they were visited by their family, yet still imprisoned. I realized that I assumed if I could see people who cared for me, I would assume they had the power to rescue me. I think this is a good thing to process – if I am ever imprisoned, I want to be able to thank the Lord if I see my loved one, without putting all my hope in them.

Completed books

I’m trying to remember all the books I’ve read since having kids… the slim group that I always recommend:

• Girl Meets God: I loved how Lauren portrayed the beauty of the Jewish faith while showing how it lead her to Jesus.
• Mudhouse Sabbath: This has made me long for some routine/ritual in my faith that Judaism uses to savor the Lord, and that I rush through. Especially as it relates to death & mourning, and the sabbath.
• The Irresistible Revolution: It was nice to read about some Christians concerned about the poor.
• A Voice in the Wind (Mark of the Lion series): I learned so much about faith and praying during suffering from the example of Haddasah, and was sent inside myself to analyze my sense of “entitlement” in questioning authority figures and God.
• An Echo in the Darkness (Mark of the Lion series)
• As sure as the Dawn (Mark of the Lion series): I watched as one early Christian took the steps necessary to reach a group of people with the Gospel, laying down his citizenship and rights, without all the glamour and recognition of being called a “missionary”. It was just being a Christian, not the extra commitment we seem to think it takes to be a missionary.
• Peace like a River: This is the book that I loved, but that showed me I don’t like fiction about faith. I was frustrated that this was all made up – I would rather see this interesting faith journey come out of real life, not imagination.
• Despereaux: Amazingly enough, this children’s book, read aloud in preparation for the disappointing movie, was very well written and addressed similar issues to that encountered in faith. These issues are sometimes easier to see when placed in a different culture (mouse culture vs. human culture) and value system (being afraid of people vs. living in fear of breaking out of the norm).
• Expecting Adam: This is the only book by a parent of a child with Down Syndrome I have ever read. One of my client’s mom recommended it, so I borrowed it. An intriguing story. I felt sad for the mother that all the supernatural revelation never led her to God; she came up with her own “explanation” – her pre-birth son with Down Syndrome communicating with her things she would need to endure his life of non-communication. Well written… but sad.
• The Time Traveler’s Wife: After hearing the premise (and plot) of this book from Kelly, I kept thinking about it for months. So, I finally read this about 2 weeks ago, so I would beat the upcoming movie. I really enjoyed it. I can’t believe this was the author’s first book – she really developed the characters well and organized the time travel, developing the rules clearly and using them consistently. I wish the writer’s of LOST and Heroes were so kind! I really hope the movie is able to communicate all of the unspoken issues.
  This book, and the previous, showed me how worldview really does effect how you view right and wrong and options in life. I wish I had done a book club with this book, so we could have discussed the questions at the end of the book.
• The Reason for God: In progressThis is the only non-fiction/non-biography I have wanted to stick with. Very well organized and answers all of life’s big controversies!
• The Piety of Calvin: In progressThis book made me realize that I would like to learn about the formation of my faith, but rather than through a theology book, I would like to read about the people who (re)defined it and how they got to those ideas. If I read one sentence, I may have to dwell on it for awhile.
  For example,

  “…believers receive from Christ by faith the “double grace” of justification and sanctification, which together provide a twofold cleaning. Justification offers imputed purity while sanctification brings actual purity.”

  [Justification: remission of sins and right to eternal life by faith through Jesus
  Sanctification: process by which the believer increasingly becomes conformed to Christ in heart, conduct and devotion to God]

  “Justification and sanctification are inseparable… To separate one from the other is to tear Christ in pieces; it is like trying to separate the sun’s light from the heat that light generates. Believers are justified for the purpose of worshiping God in holiness of life.”

Reading…

Well, I started out life as a reader… I spent the 3rd grade at Zion Lutheran School unchallenged by the curriculum, and reading a Nancy Drew book each day.
But the last 8 years of motherhood have not been conducive to reading. I always had a list of “to do’s” that competed for my attention.

Now, I have caught up! My “to do” list is not backed up, and my mind has regrown all the braincells I lost in child birth.

And I started reading again.

The funny thing about my reading so far: I am not the least picky. Or maybe I have just been lucky enough to read all good books?
Joel has teased me over the past 8 years that each time I read a book, I love it and recommend it, because I don’t have much to compare it with.

It is time to challenge that theory.

I have figured out several things lately:
1. Most of the books I tried (and failed) to read over the past few years were heavy theological stuff Joel scarfs down every day… I don’t like this style of reading. I want more personal reflection. I think this is why the devotional, Devotional Classics, given to me in India by Courtney remains a favorite… you get to know both the writer of each devotion and the editor of the book in each devotion.

2. I enjoy reading a story and “listening” to the interactions between the characters and God… practicing discerning their worldview just like I do in real life. I learn alot this way. I prefer this to the person/character specifically laying out their beliefs for me.

3. I love biographies. When reading fiction, it bugs me to know that this is just made up – this great experience is only as real as a dream. I love to see the amazing things that happen to people for REAL.

4. I do not know much history – especially foreign political and spiritual history.

Based on these realizations, I am making a game plan for my reading:

• Find missionary stories/biographies to help me learn about various countries. I would like to be orderly, so I may concentrate on Latin America first, as I am in the middle of an account of a Martyr in El Salvador.
• Find biographies that help me travel through Church history in order, possibly following different branches of faith as they split and converge.
• If reading fiction, read historically-set fiction, rather than modern.

I welcome recommendations. I found the current and previous books just searching the card catalog at the library. I now have a little list from Marti’s blog because she reads lots of books about missionaries and church history, and I really enjoyed the book she wrote, Through Her Eyes.