11 years of moments

How do you sum up 11 years of marriage?

In One Thousand Gifts-style, I’ll count beautiful moments with Joel…

• April 2000, when Joel’s confident piercing stare intimidated me during my Starbuck’s interview
• Summer 2000, which I spent in Missouri, when Joel appeared in my prayers
• Early August 2000, when my heart leapt because Tim told me Joel had become a Christian in June
• Late August 2000, when I was strangely devastated that Joel, a stranger I had only met 2-3 times, arrived at Starbucks with a girl
• Later August 2000, when I cornered him in the kitchen at a bible study, needing to understand this 2.5 month Christian had so much discernment, wisdom, & Biblical knowledge
• When we all went to IHOP after bible study, and I tried to be cool about sitting close to him…but it was totally obvious
• When Tim was arranging to go to the movies with Joel, and I wanted to tag along, so I chose “Coyote Ugly”…desperate times call for embarrassing choices
• Early Sept 2000, when he finally asked me to lunch on the way home from the Shreveport trip
• The next 9 days when we spent every moment we weren’t working at the Kettle or Denny’s, discussing the Bible, missions, life
• When we kissed for the first time at Taco Cabana on Red Bluff
• When we turned on my street, and he said, “You know we are getting married, right?”, and my heart leapt, and I said, “Yes…”
• When we were sitting by the window at the Kettle & Joel called his mom and told her we needed to come to dinner is they could meet me because we were getting married
• October 2000, when I took him to Dallas to hear the wonderful Dr John Piper and Joel understood missions the way I do
• When we discovered we were pregnant & he jokingly said, “When you pray, do you really ask God for a baby with Down syndrome?”, never fearing my dream

Those are just the moments in the 1st 6 months…

Post-Basilica Syndrome (PBS)

In the past week, I’ve been a part of several conversations talking about how Basilica was the best church, and hard to replace.
These are really great conversations to be in.
They are also really reinforcing that we made the right decision in closing Basilica.
I miss Basilica too.
In many ways, it is like an old relationship:

• easy to remember the good parts,
• easy to forget the hard parts,
• easy to wonder if it could be better if you tried it again.

I wonder about that third one, too.
And I wonder if we could bring our growth from our mistakes in as an asset.
But I mainly feel like we would be trying to relive our “first kiss” and live in a constant state of comparison.
I could be wrong.

Ode to Joel

Today is a day to celebrate many things:
Love
Perseverance
Obsession
But mainly Joel

When we married in Feb 2001, he had known the grace of our Savior 7 months. Yet he was already reflecting Him beautifully.

In the 9 yrs of our marriage, he has been the steady to my extreme swaying.

He has been the slow and hopeful to my erratic, driving goals.

Joel came into the body of Christ with a clear longing to be mentored and shaped. When he found this difficult to locate, he fought for it, then turned around and became what he had needed for others.

I admire that so much.

I will follow Him wherever God leads him.

As my wedding band states, “Wherever you go, I will go. Your people will be my people. Your God [is] my God.”

Here are vows Joel wrote for our wedding. If you have heard him preach, it should be no surprise they are saturated by scripture:

Following in the example of Christ
I come into this union to serve, not to be served. (Matt 20-28)
And wherever you go, I will go
Where you stay, I will stay
Your people will be my people
And your God will be my Gos
Where you die, I will die,
And may the Lord deal with me be it ever so severly if anything but death separates us. (Ruth 1:16-17)

You have stolen my heart, my bride
With one glance of your eyes,
You have stolen my heart. (Song of Solomon 4:9)

I do.

Texas Medicaid Waivers Explained

My job for the past 4 years has been case management for a State-program for people with disabilities. I work for a non-profit agency, not the State of Texas. We are the contracted communicators between the people & the government.

Arabella got on the same program I work for (called CLASS) after 5yrs 3months on the waiting list in 2007.
Darin got on a similar program in Feb 2009…

So I’m constantly learning more about both sides – government & the people – of the funding & services.

In an attempt to organize and share the info, I’m working on a website…
I need feedback, reviews and questions. It’s impossible to see your own blind spots.

There’s a button on the sidebar:
Texas Medicaid Waivers Explained

Please be gentle, but specific in your critic… If I put too much info, left gaps, etc.

Processing Basilica

I have hesitated to write on this topic for awhile… wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to put out for public critic.

But I definitely need to process, and I would like my own record, so read at your own risk.

In 2 days, The Basilica Community, a church started by Joel, Jessica and I, will be closing. This has been a shock to some people, confusing for others, and expected for a few.

I wasn’t shocked. But I am sad. And happy.
In many ways, Basilica shares the role of a dysfunctional boyfriend in my life – I know I will miss it, and it will be weird when people don’t identify us together, but hopefully there is something even better down the road.

Jessica started me dwelling on this sentiment when she said that it will be sad that her children (yet to be born) will never know about this huge part of her & Jimmy’s life.
I guess that’s true. I think for a child, much of their parent’s life is like this – unfathomable, like finding out your mom had a fiance before your dad, or that your mom was a ___________ or _____________.

And I realized it’s not as sad as it seems right now.
Because I don’t look back and wish my children could know the men I dated before. I am thankful for the beautiful life we have together.

Tangent… back to Basilica.

So, as many close to me have seen, there have been many faces of Basilica for me:
- hopeful, energetic, and entrepreneurial
- carefree and fun
- trying my hand at counseling girls, and making lots of mistakes
- planning a mission trip, with some personal baggage
- experiencing loss and burn out
- stepping back and healing

As I look back, I cannot imagine NOT having these experiences. I have learned so much!

So, while it was hard to consider that this work has been completed, for me, it does feel completed. I don’t feel like we are leaving anyone “incomplete”. I feel like the core that we have are all strong in faith, gifted in different ways, and they can shake up some churches in their areas.

In reflecting with Joel last night, I realized several really pleasant things:

This experience has really changed (improved) our relationship. How I see him is totally different, and much more biblical.

We have gained skills that are huge and open up many more options for us than we had before. It feels like we are much more equipped to join many different types of ministries, and able to understand the roles, and where they need us to step up and follow and support and lead – depending on the situation. I guess the word might be versatile.

—-
For the past year, as I healed from burn out and hurt, I have had trouble seeing any good in Basilica – as a church and as a people.
But in the month since the decision was made to close, I have been able to stop analyzing everything and everyone.
And I have been flooded with peace.
And I have felt empowered once again to speak into lives.
And I have been able to remember all God has done here.

I think it is a healthy sadness in the completion.
I wonder if this is how it feels when your children grow up, and you finally step back and realize that your “raising them” job is done.
I hope I am able to look back and see all the evidences of grace as I can in Basilica now.

Back to school

I got up early on Friday, and went to San Jac for “counseling” – for a guy to hit a button on his computer so I could register.
Then I headed to the computer lab, and registered for 2 classes – Anatomy & Physiology I, and Intro to Sociology.

Really excited to start knocking pre-requisites out of the way… then if God opens a door for me to go to school, I’ll be ready.
When they did my course audit a few years ago, I needed 4 classes to go to TWU, and 7 classes for UT-Houston. I took Nutrition in Spring 2006, so that took care of 1 for both.

Texas Women’s pre-reqs	University of Texas-Houston’s pre-reqs
Anatomy & Physiology I
Anatomy & Physiology II
Microbiology
Chemistry
.	Intro to Sociology
.	Intro to Philosophy

I’m going ahead with the pre-reqs for UT-Houston, because they have several “alternative programs,” such as an excellerated 15 month program that might decrease how long we would have to live without my income.
Also, those 2 classes won’t change how fast (1 per semester) I can go through the other 4 classes.

Wish me luck!

Processing

So, we had a 'ministry meeting' last night with some Basilica folks,
to discuss the state of the ministry…
I think it was good for me, if not them. We haven't done one in
awhile, and I dreaded it, because I knew I had a lot of confused
feelings toward our church. But since I started trying to express
them, I think it helped me realize a few things.
1. I wore myself out in the 1st 1.5 yrs of Basilica.
2. I thought I was angry with God… But I have prayed about this a
ton, and never really feel like this description fits…. Now I think
that I feel like I've been a disappointment to Him.
3. I am empty and don't know how to refill.

But a positive thing I realized is that drawing people to Christ is
still my only hope.

I'm having a lot of trouble putting myself out there anymore. It's
been really hard to disciple so many who have walked away from Him,
after they really got serious.

It's hard to be a pastor's wife… It feels like everything anyone
says about Basilica is about you. When I hear someone felt neglected
or left out, I internalize it, and worry about how I should have spent
my time.
I am trying to feel satisfied that I answered each time God led me….
But that is hard.

life is beautiful

How often do you step back and decide how you feel about your life?

I think that I spend a lot of time tweaking my life, knit-picking things I want to improve. Without realizing it, I have not assessed my life, the life of our little family, to decide if I like it or not.

This weekend, Joel, the kids, my mom and I were attending the Clear Lake Down Syndrome support group‘s spring picnic @ Challenger 7 park. We bumped into my ex-boyfriend, Gabe, swinging his 3-yr old daughter just a few swings over from my Bella.
I haven’t seen Gabe since 4-weeks after starting to date Joel. I saw him on the road, and we said hello. That was 8 yrs ago.

What I realized standing there, surrounded by my little troupe and his’, is that my life is beautiful.

• I am so proud of my husband, that he’s a churchplanter, a pastor, an entreprenuir, and a great dad.
• My kids are so stinking cute and awesome.
• God has assembled my dream life, and I love it!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Homeschooling

God has laid it on my heart to homeschool Arabella and Holden next year.
It’s kinda weird because, when I felt like homeschooling might be my only option for Holden (at Christmas time), I didn’t want to do it. Then we found Veritas Christian Academy for Holden, and I started talking with them about Arabella attending there.
I remember feeling like I’d be devastated if Veritas didn’t let Arabella attend there.
Then Arabella started her 3 visitation days at Veritas. And I began to realize that I wanted the privilege I was trying to convince them they wanted – to teach my angel. And I realized that I am looking forward to spending lots of time with Bella as best girls in the post-school years… And I don’t want to get there and find her life has been wasted and she has been hurt.
Then I started getting excited. I almost didn’t send her to her 3rd visit to Veritas, except that I hadn’t worked out logistics.
So when last Monday Veritas told me they did not think they are a good fit for Arabella, I said, “I agree!”

SIMPLIFY
I’ve been wanting to simplify my life for awhile, mainly, so I can be better at the important things:

• Being Joel’s wife
• training my children
• ministering through Basilica

While I think I will be busy homeschooling, I will not be fitting training the children into the last 3, tired, hours of the day.

Contending for Marriage… inspired by seeing ONCE tonight

About a year ago, a friend called me. She wanted feedback on a decision. She was feeling like she had developed more than friendship feelings for a man other than her husband… she had already discontinued the friendship with this man. But she was trying to figure out if she should tell her husband:
- Why hurt him if she had resolved it?
- Would this be “keeping secrets”?
My initial reaction was “tell him” (her husband), because secrets seem like seeds to grow distance and sin in a marriage. But I also told her I would pray alongside her about this decision.
And in the end, she did not tell him. And her explanation sounded good to me:
Just as we expect our husbands to take every thought captive in obedience to Christ, but we don’t need a “report” on them doing this. So, as long as it had been halted at the temptation stage, without sin involved, there was no reason to hurt her husband by this information.

I think this is a really valuable experience for me to have shared – seeing how important it is to not just “be faithful” but to identify things that threaten your marriage – and stop them.

Recently, I feel like I am bombarded by a mind-set that I believe threatens marriage. I don’t know a name to call it, just a description:

In some recent episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, a married person has a very compelling connection with someone who is NOT their spouse. As George fought emotions he felt for Izzie, while being married to Callie, I found myself rooting for the romantic immediate gratification, rather than the commitment to the marriage covenant. In fact, it made me think, “Poor George – too bad he’s married.”

This seems to be the tension put forth in many shows and movies – is marriage a bondage that should be broken for personal gratification?

I felt so frustrated by this also in In the Land of Women, where Meg Ryan is struggling with a mid-life crisis… and makes friends with the young guy visiting his grandmother across the street. They walk the dog together, talk about life. And somehow, this walking-the-dog friendship becomes more meaningful than that of her husband – and they kiss.

We all seem to realize that the pressure to be perfect physically is on women today. But do we realize the threat that this message is to our marriages?

Tonight, this tension came up again in a really good movie, Once. And, if you haven’t seen it yet, you may not wanna read the rest of the blog… up to you.

The great thing about the movie ONCE was that while it brought up the same tension – intimate friendship between a married woman and a guy who was not her husband – it was resolve in a marriage-honoring way. I will highly recommend the movie, ONCE. Good music, really good story.

What I don’t like, though, is that while the characters make the honorable choices, I still left with the feeling that they missed out.
In fact, when I finally saw the husband of the married girl in the final scene of the movie, I realized that I had pictured an ogre – someone “unworthy” of marriage – to justify that I wanted his wife to do what seemed best in the moment. While the morally right thing happened, I wanted the girl to have experienced the potential love affair, even if it had cost her everything.

I don’t like this de-sensitization and glamorization of relationships outside of marriage. Maybe that’s why The Notebook is one of my favorites – as much as dementia depresses me, the movie shows a beautiful depiction of a husband loving a wife even when she is hard to love and could be easily left.

I intend to beat the odds (60% divorce rate WITHIN the church) and I want to be realistic about the forces working against US. I am just realizing that message I have taken pleasure in watching could be planting self-centeredness and self-gratifying POISON within me.