Post-Basilica Syndrome (PBS)

In the past week, I’ve been a part of several conversations talking about how Basilica was the best church, and hard to replace.
These are really great conversations to be in.
They are also really reinforcing that we made the right decision in closing Basilica.
I miss Basilica too.
In many ways, it is like an old relationship:

• easy to remember the good parts,
• easy to forget the hard parts,
• easy to wonder if it could be better if you tried it again.

I wonder about that third one, too.
And I wonder if we could bring our growth from our mistakes in as an asset.
But I mainly feel like we would be trying to relive our “first kiss” and live in a constant state of comparison.
I could be wrong.

Processing Basilica

I have hesitated to write on this topic for awhile… wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to put out for public critic.

But I definitely need to process, and I would like my own record, so read at your own risk.

In 2 days, The Basilica Community, a church started by Joel, Jessica and I, will be closing. This has been a shock to some people, confusing for others, and expected for a few.

I wasn’t shocked. But I am sad. And happy.
In many ways, Basilica shares the role of a dysfunctional boyfriend in my life – I know I will miss it, and it will be weird when people don’t identify us together, but hopefully there is something even better down the road.

Jessica started me dwelling on this sentiment when she said that it will be sad that her children (yet to be born) will never know about this huge part of her & Jimmy’s life.
I guess that’s true. I think for a child, much of their parent’s life is like this – unfathomable, like finding out your mom had a fiance before your dad, or that your mom was a ___________ or _____________.

And I realized it’s not as sad as it seems right now.
Because I don’t look back and wish my children could know the men I dated before. I am thankful for the beautiful life we have together.

Tangent… back to Basilica.

So, as many close to me have seen, there have been many faces of Basilica for me:
- hopeful, energetic, and entrepreneurial
- carefree and fun
- trying my hand at counseling girls, and making lots of mistakes
- planning a mission trip, with some personal baggage
- experiencing loss and burn out
- stepping back and healing

As I look back, I cannot imagine NOT having these experiences. I have learned so much!

So, while it was hard to consider that this work has been completed, for me, it does feel completed. I don’t feel like we are leaving anyone “incomplete”. I feel like the core that we have are all strong in faith, gifted in different ways, and they can shake up some churches in their areas.

In reflecting with Joel last night, I realized several really pleasant things:

This experience has really changed (improved) our relationship. How I see him is totally different, and much more biblical.

We have gained skills that are huge and open up many more options for us than we had before. It feels like we are much more equipped to join many different types of ministries, and able to understand the roles, and where they need us to step up and follow and support and lead – depending on the situation. I guess the word might be versatile.

—-
For the past year, as I healed from burn out and hurt, I have had trouble seeing any good in Basilica – as a church and as a people.
But in the month since the decision was made to close, I have been able to stop analyzing everything and everyone.
And I have been flooded with peace.
And I have felt empowered once again to speak into lives.
And I have been able to remember all God has done here.

I think it is a healthy sadness in the completion.
I wonder if this is how it feels when your children grow up, and you finally step back and realize that your “raising them” job is done.
I hope I am able to look back and see all the evidences of grace as I can in Basilica now.

Processing

So, we had a 'ministry meeting' last night with some Basilica folks,
to discuss the state of the ministry…
I think it was good for me, if not them. We haven't done one in
awhile, and I dreaded it, because I knew I had a lot of confused
feelings toward our church. But since I started trying to express
them, I think it helped me realize a few things.
1. I wore myself out in the 1st 1.5 yrs of Basilica.
2. I thought I was angry with God… But I have prayed about this a
ton, and never really feel like this description fits…. Now I think
that I feel like I've been a disappointment to Him.
3. I am empty and don't know how to refill.

But a positive thing I realized is that drawing people to Christ is
still my only hope.

I'm having a lot of trouble putting myself out there anymore. It's
been really hard to disciple so many who have walked away from Him,
after they really got serious.

It's hard to be a pastor's wife… It feels like everything anyone
says about Basilica is about you. When I hear someone felt neglected
or left out, I internalize it, and worry about how I should have spent
my time.
I am trying to feel satisfied that I answered each time God led me….
But that is hard.