Basilica nostalgia

The last 48 hours have converged into the perfect storm of friendship & memories.

Friday, during my sick timewasting, Joel told me about Facebook timeline. It’s kinda addictive. It combines photos & chronology which I love.

As I sorted through pictures on Facebook, correcting the dates on each album (so it appears in the right spot on my life’s Timeline!), I tagged this picture I uploaded 2 years ago:

This is the group that helped us get the BSM building ready for Basilica’s public launch in September 2006.

The comments from the “tagged” people warmed my heart, the 1st being my favorite:

It was nice to share these feelings as we prepared to see a large group of our former Basilica members today, as Joel preached at Covenant Community Church.
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So I guess this was filling my mind as I slept, because I dreamt about today last night. Of course, the church location in my dream was different, and, as with all dreams, out of context people were there.

But the close of the dream was AWESOME.

I was introduced as being Joel’s wife, and the closing of our church was alluded to.
Then I witnessed my own internal dialogue in response:
“80% of churches fail within the first 2 years. Basilica made it 3 years, but we did not have a healthy, sustainable body.
So we closed. And were able to be Organ Donors, sending strong members, into other churches, like Covenant.”

The wonderful, mature families that came out of Basilica are a huge source of motherly pride for me! I am so proud of them. But I had never thought of it like organ donation before this dream.
Now I’m even more proud, that Basilica was, and that we were able to fail TO THE GLORY OF GOD.
—–

I was still contemplating my dream as we headed to Covenant Community Church Pearland this morning.

It was a surreal-ly peaceful worship service for me.
1. I got to see some of my favorite families:

• The Cowarts
• The Fosters
• The Fisks
• The LaCazes
• The Morkins
• The Parks
• The Von Kanels
• The Willis
• Marissa Stephens

2. I got to meet baby Matthew Foster & hold him during the sermon.

3. My husband preached an awesome sermon, pulling together several areas of the Bible in a glorious way.

It’s nice to get some clear hindsight.

The Glorious Beards of Basilica

Dreams

I just woke up from a dream… a really vivid, makes-my-heart-hurt dream.
About Jodhpur, India.

If you know me in real life, you probably know, living in Jodhpur is my “other life” – the one I would pursue if I didn’t have this super-awesome one with 3 kids and a husband who thinks India is really hot.
I can usually repress thinking about how much I miss it.

But I just woke up from a commonly-recurring dream about a homecoming trip to Jodhpur. They used to be less emotional, just me wandering around India, trying to find places I remember but don’t know the route to.
But this one just tore out my heart.
It was a reunion with my most love India families – Anindita, Man Singh & Anita, Honey & Rajeshwari.

The hard part of the dream focused on Anindita:
She’s like my Indian sister. When I lived in Jodhpur in 1999, she was in college – and I was just out of college.
I spent the night at her house, talked about future hope & dreams in our different family-cultural systems of expectation.

In the dream, I see Anindita, start crying and hug her. I ask her about children and she says she has a 9 year-old. I realize this means she was pregnant last time I was there, before either of us were married. I feel hurt and confused, because neither of our family-cultural systems support this, but we could have shared this.

Then I woke up. And I feel sadder with reality, due to the dream.
Because reality is the reverse of this:

My last visit to Jodhpur was in January of 2001, one month before Joel and I got married.
About 1 day into the 17-day trip, I could barely muster the energy to walk down a street. By the 3rd day, when we actually arrived in Jodhpur, I was pretty certain that I must be pregnant… and in a foreign country with only 1 other person… and with my whole identity around being a Christian missionary, in a identity-crisis.
It was the hardest time of my life.
And I spent most of this time faking I was okay with Anindita.
I had a reason not to tell:
I really wanted her to know about my God, and I didn’t want to make Him look bad by being another fake-Christian American like most Indians have seen on movies.
Cause He really is EVERYTHING, even if I get pregnant before I’m married.
I didn’t want to cancel it all out.
I didn’t know if I could explain grace in a culture where shame is so powerful, dictating your every move.

I’ve never had a chance to tell her.
After that trip, I came home to my wedding only 2 weeks away, my first scary ultrasound 6 weeks away, and then had Arabella 7 months later…
Every year, as time passes, I want to write a letter, catch up, show her my babies.
But I never had.

I look for her ANYWHERE on the internet all the time. Haven’t found her yet.

I miss Anindita. I wish I had just told her the truth at the time.

Ling xiu

From Voices of the Faithful compiled by Kim P. Davis

Most workers from our organization must learn a foreign language. For me, it’s Mandarin Chinese. While studying, I was intrigued by the phrase ling xiu (leeng SHE-oo), which refers to a Christian’s daily devotional time.
Although this was new vocabulary, I already had learned both of the characters in different contexts. Ling means “spirit” or “soul.” Xiu means “to repair.” I had learned xiu I with the washing-machine repairman who was coming weekly to keep our ancient model running!
In my notes, I wrote “devotional= spirit repair.” What a fitting way to describe our devotional time: repairing the soul by reading God’s word and communing with Him. Like that dilapidated washing machine, my spirit needs the ultimate Repairman. Although I complained about the washer, it was stronger than my own inner man. It needed weekly repair, while I need it daily.
At one point, the repairman explained that the washer was used too often. I laughed inwardly at his solution – if I could just stop dirty laundry from accumulating, all would be well! What a parallel to how the stresses of life wear away our spiritual vitality just like the never-ending laundry wears out the washer’s parts.
We can’t stop the stresses of life any more than my family can stop producing dirty clothes. So I keep calling the Repairman to patch up my soul. Our daily “spirit repair” time is what keeps me sharing the gospel even with slow results and using my poor Mandarin when I look foolish. It provides compassion for my city so I can fulfill God’s call in my life.

I’m a word-picture person and it is always helpful to have one more picture to drive me to the Lord.
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I want to share with my blog friends about some people close to my heart and the life changes that are taking place. Michael and Tammi Rice have been close friends of Joel and I for around 4 years now. Actually, our beginnings are pretty awkward and funny.
When Joel and I started hanging out in August 2000, Joel had been a Christian about 3 months. Slightly before him, his friend Brian, also a former atheist, had also become a Christian, through the birth of Brian’s son. Anyway, they had started having informal bible studies at Brian’s apartment, and Joel invited me to come along. He explained in advance that I would probably be asked to read aloud from the Bible, since they were all so new at this and not comfortable yet. Also, when they prayed, it was silently, since no one was comfortable praying aloud either. All this was funny to me, since I had grown up in church and bible studies, and it had never dawned on me that it was odd to pray aloud.
So, I attended this Bible study twice with Joel. This first week was pretty “normal” compared to my other Bible Study experience. We read through some scripture, discussed it, and bowed our heads to silently pray. The second week things got weird. Basically, some people were invited to “come hang out” without really knowing about the Bible Study part. Mike and Tammi were at this Bible Study… I think they might have know about the bible part, but some of our other friends definitely did not. This was also something that I had not concept of – I had never been somewhere when people came to a bible study unaware. In fact, it wasn’t until after the fact that I caught on to this. Anyway, alot of awkward debate ensued, and people were offended, and Mike and Tammi were somewhere in the middle of all the friends, Christian and not. And since I was just meeting these people, and thinking “why did you come to a Bible study if you don’t believe in God?”, I didn’t really connect with Mike or Tammi.
My second encounter with Mike was worse than the first. It was in Spring 2001 when I was pregnant with Arabella, working full-time at Star of Hope (including 2 nights until 10:30pm), and VERY MOODY. I came home to Joel & I’s apartment around 11pm one night. He was hanging out with someone I didn’t know well (Mike) and I was tired. So I walked straight to my bedroom, got ready for bed, and called for Joel from there. I said something bitchy about the guest leaving, and went to sleep. (and we wonder while Joel was so in favor of adoption/never being pregnant again!)
But the third encounter with Mike & Tammi was totally different. We ran into them at a show at Mary Jane’s in Fall 2001, when Arabella was a few months old. It was one of my first nights out without the baby, and I actually didn’t leave her very far. My Mimi lives off the same street as MJ’s, so I just dropped her there between feedings, then went back in time to feed her. Tammi and I started talking as soon as we got to the show, then she left to go with me to Mimi’s and bring the baby back, then she sat outside with me and Arabella while the men finished the show. Tammi was so easy to get to know that I wondered how I had missed out on her the year before.
At that time, they started coming to Ecclesia with us, and quickly became involved in the same small group we were in. Our lives became very intertwined. They epitimize community living by their entire attitudes. I remember that first year as a beautiful mixture of resources – money, time, friendship. With Mike & Tammi, there is never an awkward discussion of balancing who paid for this dinner with who will pay next time. They are NOT worried about being even = they are always willing to be ahead. They are “givers.” Hopefully, in the long run, we haven’t just been “takers,” but I know that Mike & Tammi don’t keep track.
When they started going to Ecclesia, Mike was still figuring out where he stood with Jesus. I think this is often harder for people raised in the church. It is hard to make it your own and not just feel like you are defaulting to your parents’ choice. But eventually, Mike was baptized at Ecclesia. That is a pretty funny story. The baptistry at South Main (where Ecclesia had church) was either not filled up, or not heated up, or both. So, we headed outside the fountain in front of the church. By the way, it was COLD. Also, Mike is 6′+ and the fountain was about 1′ deep, so this was a humbling challenge, but very neat.
Anyway…
From the start, Tammi has been talking about going to Africa. Back in 2002, she talked Peace-Corp, cuz she and Mike are very interested in social reform and helping in a tangible way. She also has been talking about adopting children and/or being houseparents to orphans.
Last year, they started looking for a mission organization to go to Africa with. And they went to a meeting at Mike’s parent’s church about a trip to Kenya, Gateway, where they experience some frustration that I remember from my college years – people don’t take your seriously. When you want to be a life-time missionary, it is hard to convince people that this is your dream for forever. I remember Tammi saying, “We told them we could bring tents and sleeping bags, if we could just come.” But of course, the process is alot more complicated then that.
But Tammi stayed on the email list for this ministry in Kenya, and she continued to fall in love with it. The ministry is actually called Starfish Kenya. To sum up the ministry, basically, a Kenyan couple has adopted 31 orphans and needs lots of help. Tammi & Mike started planning to go on Gateway’s annual trip this summer.
Then, over Thanksgiving, the Kenyan father, Naftali, suddenly passed away. This has left Margaret, the mother, alone to care for all the children. As soon as Tammi told me about Naftali’s death, I knew that it was time for them to go. Everything in their lives has been leading to this – being about to help Margaret raise these orphans.
So, they are preparing to go to Kenya in September, after graduating in May from University of Houston, and then attending Montessori training over the summer.
Please pray for them. They must raise about $20,000 this year. They have to finish school and keep working their full-time jobs.
Please pray for Margaret. 9-months doesn’t seem long for Mike & Tammi to prepare; it seems like a long time for Margaret to be on her own.

Working toward healing, I become more and more transparent. Hopefully, in the end the sadness will melt away, and you will see me whole again…
Everyday, I am doing self-examination to figure out what is leading to my feelings of depression and anger. My mom suggested chemical imbalance the other day. Right off I knew this was not it…
Which lead me to realized that something in my life is leading to my sour outlook. So I need to pin point the thing.
Tonight, Tammi suggested that I am under spiritual attack because of the work God is using Joel for. She encouraged me not to listen to the Devil, letting him sabotage this work. This is an idea I have been wrestling with myself. It is almost as if I can tell myself not to sabotage it, and pick a fight to try to sabotage it all in the same moment.
So, Joel heard Tammi and I talking. And he came in to bug me until I would tell him what we talked about. Which was annoying, but the exactly right thing for a husband to do – be interested and listen.
When I hear myself say what is going on, I feel like a nut-case. Basically, for the first time in my life, I don’t want to be on God’s big adventure. I’m not saying I don’t want to do it at all…. just not right now. Honestly, I have never wanted average life so much.
So what changed?
We adopted Darin.

My friend Krissy and I talked about 2 days ago. We both had our 3rd child this year and were sharing our feelings on this experience. She put it very well. She said that Kadence brought a lot of balance to her life. She had been struggling with doing the mommy-thing to her older 2 boys and re-defining herself as an individual. Having Kadence reconnected her to the mommy priorities, and helped set her individual priorities.

So, this spring, when God told Joel to plant the Basilica Community, I was in a season of renewed exploration of who God would have me be at Kaleo, as a minister of the gospel with Joel, and later in Russia. It was easy to see how taking on this challenge would build into all that God might use us for.
Then God laid out all the pieces for adopting Darin. It was clear and undeniable that God had prepared this path.

But adopting Darin had taken me out of the season of exploring outside ministry, and returned me to a focus on motherhood. Only, with just 6 weeks preparation, I have not made a graceful transition between the two.

This is actually a relief to understand. I can see that I need to make some life adjustments. Now figuring out what those are is the next challenge.

Met the funniest lady the other day. She was the grant writer for a homeless project for teens in Colorado Springs called UrbanPeak. For the past 10 years, she and her college roommate have been taking annual road trips throughout the country. They decided they would like to “share” their adventures with someone… so here is what they do.
Like in the movie Amelie, they take pictures of a garden gnome where ever they go. But this is where it gets crazy: 10 years ago, they picked a name and address out of the Denver phone book. Every year, they send pictures and letters to the people at this address, describing their adventures. Sometimes they mention, “stopping by Denver and looking forward to trying your jello salad.” This is so fun, and crazy. I wish I could see the reactions of the recipients. Of course, they sign fake names, but always the same fake names. It is awesome.

Just got back from Colorado. My best friend Amy works at UrbanPeak with this lady. Our whole family loaded up in the car to visit Colorado Springs for Amy’s wedding. It was an adventure. The first 2 days were spent driving while a continuous loop of Barney, Elmo and VeggieTales played in the backseat. It really wasn’t bad – the kids were happy, so I was happy. Then Friday morning, wedding activities started up right away. Arabella was the flowergirl, and I was the matron-of-honor, so we went with the other bridesmaids to get our nails done. This was a big adventure. Arabella is not too fond of people holding her hands still, so I ended up painting her nails myself. Then we jetted back to Amy’s house, where we realized we were running late for Amy’s next appointment. So Joel came to pick me up with a car full of fussy boys. Uncle Tim accompanied us to a local deli, Woogle’s, for a chaotic lunch. Then dress-rehearsal time. The wedding was to be held up in the mountains about 45 minutes away.
The rehearsal was a disaster. There was a gentle rain for most of the rehearsal, bringing into question the plans for an outdoor wedding the next day. At first glance, an indoor option seemed pretty and do-able. The lodge of the Lost Dutchman was gorgeous, with an indoor waterfall with a raised platform in front of it. But the manager of the lodge did not make this option simple… she complained and complicated things until Amy was extremely frustrated. My favorite phrase from the evening: Amy said, “I am putting the “ass” in assertive.” Anyway, we left the rehearsal praying against the rain, and at a very high level of stress.
But the rehearsal dinner was a great redemption of the day. At a cozy little tavern in a small mountain town, the dinner was intimate, casual, and fun. The groom, Brad’s, extended family put together an “Almost-Wed Game” in the style of the Newlywed Game. They let Amy and Brad earn Old Navy & Chipotle bucks to spend. It was very cute. Amazingly enough, out of about 40 questions, their answered matched on all but 2 or 3.
Saturday, we got up to another overcast day, threating rain. I accompanied Amy to get her hair done for the wedding. My sweet brother Tim created a contingency plan of tarps to cover the guests during an outdoor ceremony in the rain. But when we headed up to the lodge, the sun started peeking through the clouds. The wedding was performed outside, dry and beautiful.
It was a neat setup. The ceremony was performed on a hill outside the lodge. Then, while the wedding party took pictures, there was fishing around the lake. Then came dinner. Then dancing! Arabella didn’t perform too well as the flowergirl – stage fright, of course. But man, she performed during the dancing. That little princess danced non-stop for about 3 hours. She danced with almost every person at the wedding. It was really cute (unbiased opinion!).

I have known Amy for about 8 years. I just finally met Brad on Friday. But they seem like a good match. Over the past 3 1/2 years, I have observed their relationship from afar. It was good to finally meet him. He really made a good impression by trying to get to know me in the midst of a chaotic weekend. I hope this first year of marriage goes by quickly – it’s a hard one!

Amy is the closest friend I have ever had. We met in 1997, as we both entered ASC (Aggie Sisters for Christ) at Texas A&M and ended up living in the same apartments. This may be a wierd thing to say, but having Amy around made it fun to be single. She understood me, and was a great companion, so I didn’t feel like I had to have a guy around all the time. Even after college, when I went to India, she was the only person who really seem to understand my journey. She happened to move to Colorado for the Dale House while I was training for India in Colorado Springs, so she put me on the plane for India, and she picked me up after I got back. I have watched her grow so much. It was hard to give her away to Brad.

Back in 1997, ASC had a formal in Dallas. Amy and I weren’t dating anyone, but we still wanted to go. So, she called a high-school friend to take her, and I told her to get her brother to go along with me. I had never met Chris, but I figured, “How bad could it be.” The beginning of the weekend, before the formal, Chris and I didn’t even speak – ackward! But we all got dressed up, and the evening turned out to be fun. Chris is really senical, but I gave him a run for his money. After that, I would call him a friend…
I’m telling this story for a reason. This weekend, Chris and his awesome girlfriend Deanna were at the wedding (of course). Chris was friendly, and Deanna was a big help with the kids. Throughout the wedding, while I was juggling my three children, Chris would say, “Wow, you really have to know how to multitask.” or some other comment. They all sounded supportive and nice. So, I was surprised to hear this story the next day:
Tim, my brother, went out with Chris, Deanna, bridesmaids, etc to a bar after the wedding. I guess Chris had never been introduced to Tim. Chris randomly said something like, “Wow, can you believe how crazy Heather’s little brats were?” (paraphrase from heresay) while Tim was sitting right next to him. In true Tim form, he let a 5 second pause go by, then extended his hand, saying, “I don’t think we have met – I’m Heather’s brother Tim.”

This really shouldn’t bother me. I shouldn’t even let it. But it does. I like to think that people are real when they interact with the kids – if they don’t like them, ignore them. But if you are going to look at them, look with love.
Okay, well, I will stop ranting. I needed to get that out. Thanks for reading.

The rest of the trip was pretty nice. We spent Monday and Wednesday with Amy and Brad. On Tuesday, we ventured to Denver to visit some other friends, Lauren & Ella, and Brent & Courtney. We only had about 1 hour to play at Lauren’s, but that was probably for the best since the kids bonked Ella in the head about 3 times in an hour. Then we did dinner with Brent & Courtney… seeing them was great. Joel and I were refreshed by our time with them. They are missionaries at heart like us, but they struggle with day-to-day life like us, too… parenting, working, marriage. Their dreams are going to take awhile to achieve, just like ours. A lot to identify with. I feel sad they live to far away.

We got home on Thursday night, spent yesterday recovering, and I am back at the Star of Hope today. Life is always crazy, always exciting… sometimes I dream of being bored!