Working toward healing, I become more and more transparent. Hopefully, in the end the sadness will melt away, and you will see me whole again…
Everyday, I am doing self-examination to figure out what is leading to my feelings of depression and anger. My mom suggested chemical imbalance the other day. Right off I knew this was not it…
Which lead me to realized that something in my life is leading to my sour outlook. So I need to pin point the thing.
Tonight, Tammi suggested that I am under spiritual attack because of the work God is using Joel for. She encouraged me not to listen to the Devil, letting him sabotage this work. This is an idea I have been wrestling with myself. It is almost as if I can tell myself not to sabotage it, and pick a fight to try to sabotage it all in the same moment.
So, Joel heard Tammi and I talking. And he came in to bug me until I would tell him what we talked about. Which was annoying, but the exactly right thing for a husband to do – be interested and listen.
When I hear myself say what is going on, I feel like a nut-case. Basically, for the first time in my life, I don’t want to be on God’s big adventure. I’m not saying I don’t want to do it at all…. just not right now. Honestly, I have never wanted average life so much.
So what changed?
We adopted Darin.
My friend Krissy and I talked about 2 days ago. We both had our 3rd child this year and were sharing our feelings on this experience. She put it very well. She said that Kadence brought a lot of balance to her life. She had been struggling with doing the mommy-thing to her older 2 boys and re-defining herself as an individual. Having Kadence reconnected her to the mommy priorities, and helped set her individual priorities.
So, this spring, when God told Joel to plant the Basilica Community, I was in a season of renewed exploration of who God would have me be at Kaleo, as a minister of the gospel with Joel, and later in Russia. It was easy to see how taking on this challenge would build into all that God might use us for.
Then God laid out all the pieces for adopting Darin. It was clear and undeniable that God had prepared this path.
But adopting Darin had taken me out of the season of exploring outside ministry, and returned me to a focus on motherhood. Only, with just 6 weeks preparation, I have not made a graceful transition between the two.
This is actually a relief to understand. I can see that I need to make some life adjustments. Now figuring out what those are is the next challenge.