Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation!
I don’t know if you remember, but about a month ago, I was in a bad spot. Depressed. Confused.
And just a day before Darin went into the hospital, God provided some perspective. Then He enforced that perspective. Darin needed to make an impact on our family equal to that made by Arabella and Holden. After 36 days in the hospital, he has reshaped our life to fit with him.
This time was full of purpose. Honestly, I needed God to force me to sit still. Our life went so quick from spring through summer, that I came into fall spinning. I did not know what God wanted for me, for our family, and I couldn’t figure out where to begin regrouping. The chaos and disorganization in my house, the overbooked schedule, our family in a rut…
The funny part is that I could not even figure out how to schedule a night to regroup.
But, when Darin went into the hospital, the schedule was easily cleared. The mess in the house suddenly seemed less overwhelming, and in fact, now that I am home, doesn’t seem very disorganized at all. And you know the story of the schedule – cleared with Joel withdrawn from school. And our family rut has been completely smoothed away to be recreated new and different.
Leaving the hospital yesterday was beautiful. Like a new beginning. Darin is just the size of average newborns now (well, maybe a little above average = 10 lbs, but you get the point) and he has now had a chance to reshape our life like his birth would have if we had know about his arrival for 9 months. The air was crisp and cool, burdenless.
So, as I came to work on time today, I contemplated, “How do I want to begin again?”
- Hearing from God. That sounds nice, huh? But I haven’t been doing well at that, especially in August and the time immediately preceding the hospital. I couldn’t force myself to read the Bible and pray. I felt distracted. And when I did pray, I was whiny.
- Today, I feel thankful. Thankful for God’s ability to see the beginning and the end. That God kept preparing Joel, even when I lost focus and direction. Thankful that He lets me come right back to talk, undeserving but loved.
- Prioritizing better. Honestly, I was bitter about having to re-prioritize this summer. I felt the lost of my ministry at Kaleo. I felt unclear about my role as a mom to a newborn while still working.
- Today, I am asking God to show me how to return to my home as a better support for Joel. I want to create new patterns in our home that edify and unify our family.
- Content. This is the hardest one. I am still having trouble figuring out a long short-term plan related to working. I don’t know if I can find a way to do my current job that is fulfilling. I don’t know if I should pursue change. I don’t know if I should begin working toward a graduate degree or nursing. All of these things are confusing and frustrating.
- If I start graduate school for Instructional Technology, I have to picture myself changing careers in 3 years to use it, to justify the cost of graduate school. I don’t know if I want to enter this field just as we are getting more deep into the Basilica Community, since I anticipate wanting to work less and spend more time working with Joel on this if financially possible.
- If I start working on prerequisites for Nursing School, I still have to picture a career change, but it is one that I can see how I can use on the mission field or anywhere. This one sounds better to me, BUT this option also involves figuring out how to go to a whole year of nursing school without working. There is no point in doing the prerequisites if I can’t afford to take the year off for the school between May 2007 – August 2008.
- If I look for a new job, I may find one that is more personally fulfilling and challenging, but I may have to sacrifice my great schedule, and the chance to have another week of vacation next year.
- If I stay here, I need to find a way to do this job that doesn’t frustrate me. Right now, I do a job that has NO defined tasks or roles, and it is shared by 3 people. I constantly feel like we are frustrating each other by doing the same job in different ways. I really need to be able to determine what I need to do and look back and know I completed the job.
Sometimes, it is very hard to wait for next year and the church-plant. It is hard to wait on going to Russia. I want to do what will support our family the most without setting us back more. Every choice has a financial and a time cost. Even having children – they are the easy choice, because time invested in them is fulfilling. It is choices about spending money on school to make more money to pay off debt that are not as easy. I don’t want to invest 3 years in school, then arrive at the 3rd year, and figure out if I had saved that money, we would be ready to go to Russia.
Stop. Trust in the Lord.
That is the new beginning.