Today, I woke up wanting to hear a certain song.
Once I started listening (on repeat), my mind went back to one of the first times I listened to this song.
In early March 2001, just a few weeks after Joel and I got married, we went for our 2nd ultrasound of baby Arabella. I think she was gestationally 10-11 weeks old… they had this ultrasound because my first one had (at 7-8 weeks) showed low amniotic fluid. So, during this ultrasound, the Ultrasound Technician said the amniotic fluid looked fine, and she gave us pictures of the developing baby in my womb.
Since Joel and I both had to go to work, we quickly checked out; then the Tech stopped us and said I needed to talk to the doctor before we left. I sent Joel to get the car, and went to see Dr. Joi Findley-Smith.
She came into the room… it’s kinda blurry after that, but she said something like, “The baby has a nucle-thickening on it’s neck… may indicate a trisomy, which is an extra chromosome… usually not viable with life… Down Syndrome is Trisomy 21… most of the trisomies don’t live to be born, or they die soon after birth… you should probably consider terminating… baby might just terminate itself.”
At that point, I paged Joel with “911” and fought back tears.
All the doctor did was schedule me for a visit with the perinatologist (pre-birth baby doctor) for a high-risk ultrasound and testing… and she sent us on our way.
I felt shattered. Not because of the trisomy possibility. Because I did not know if the child growing inside of me was dead or alive, and I had NO POWER to affect that.
We drove home, numb zombies.
Then I crawled into bed and wept. I mourned the baby that I had dreamt of my whole life, who may now be dead within me. It was horrible.
My beautiful new leader, Joel, came into the room. He pulled me out of bed, carried me into the living room of our little apartment, and put on this song. And while I wept and shook in anguish, he anointed my belly, my forehead, and he prayed for our Arabella.
She is our beautiful altar of grace. He, Yahweh, the most high GOD, is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in love. In the midst of our sin, He knit together our angel.