Before I was a Christian, from 1995-1997, I was controlled by anxiety.
I fought to control the people around me so they would not hurt me, and when that didn’t work (it rarely does), I would be paralyzed by fear.
In the summer of 1997, I was healed from anxiety and released from taking Buspar by the Lord. This remains my main area of attack by the Enemy. I’m not sure if this is a family strong hold, or a female place of vulnerability, but I constantly pray against it for myself, my
girlfriends and my mom.
Yesterday, it slipped in and grabbed me again. I think something like a hurricane almost comes with ‘permission’ to worry and obsess. I heard it in the faithless statements from the news and the people around me Thursday as Ike approached. And I climbed on board. It continued in
the midst of the storm with sleepless, paralyzing fear of a tornado.
But it didn’t leave with Ike. I had opened the door, and my former god, Anxiety, was happy to stay awhile. As yesterday progressed, I would get hot from no A/C and become unable to parent, to plan for the remainder of the day, figure out how to prepare for the future. When we returned to our hot house last night, I was exhausted and ready to go in debt for place to go wait for power. I could not imagine today in this messy life.
This morning, I woke up @ 4:15am. I was smoking hot but rested. I called Centerpoint to report our downed power line. Then I started looking for a cool place to go back to sleep…
And I had an anxiety attack. I was frozen with fear of today, what it would bring.
Graciously, God helped me realized right then how miserable that feeling is. And He provided the hope that He could remove it. I got out the candles and did my Precepts Bible study – day 3 in Isaiah 6, focusing on Isaiah seeing God and responding to Him.
And I could see, through these circumstances and the momentary re-surrender to Anxiety, and once more God’s salvation, that i’ve been slipping into the bondage of Security – of having funds, family, routine and order. I’ve stopped being creative and willing to find any way to make things work. In India, I lived with no A/C, and no security outside of Him, and it was one of the best times. And 7 yrs ago, in Texas Children’s Hospital, I lived with no knowledge and no control, as my baby was cared for and I learned to be a mom to a baby with a heart defect, and it was the best time.
The anxiety is gone. And the rain has come…. an undeserved gift (aka Grace) of a cooling breeze.
Thank you, Lord – YHWH, Alpha-Omega, Creator and King