My mother

At this moment in life, I’m right smack in the middle of motherhood and daughterhood. I see as never before that motherhood is both being the goddess and the slave for your children.

I realized now how much I expected my mom to be the one to hold the ladder over any wall, and also the one I would build a path around if she would not!

She made this all possible. When she homeschooled me in 2nd, 4th, 5th, & 8th, she said, “We will create the space that fits you.” When she carried a car loan with me in the middle of college, she put her needs aside to empower me. And when I got sick from college and school, she carried the weight of that decisions so I could continue my school. I know she was terrified when I want to India. But I was not. I had never go without what I needed.

When I started working in Redeemed Ministries in human trafficking abolision and recovery, I realized the faith and hope she carried. She turned to God on my behalf as I made choices that could endanger my life. I know I reap not what I sowed, but what she sowed in prayer.

It’s a heavy weight to be a mother. To love someone more than yourself.

Walking away

I never knew walking away from people was an option. Until counseling introduced boundaries to me, my standard operating procedure was to answer a question if it was asked, return to a setting if it was the tradition, and assume obligation were permanent,

This year has involved walking away from hurtful relationships. And settings that bring distress.

My stress responses were always “fight” or “fawn“. “Flight” is an amazing addition to my options.

This has come on the heals of my home life with Leah being so collaborative and healthy and cutting down my mental load of endless work by ending my full time case management job. I can now see what impact dysfunction has on my brain, how it puts a dark filter over a day/week/month.

Thankful for a home and a time in history when I have the autonomy and freedom to protect my joy.

Twenty-two

My first born is turning 22, and it’s bringing up some reflections…

In May of 2023, Arabella graduated from the Alvin College’s STRIVE program at the age of 21.

In May of 1999, I graduated from Texas A&M at the age of 21.

I spent my summer at Camp Barnabas as a counselor for children with disabilities, and that was the summer when God placed the desire for Arabella in my heart.

I ended this summer heading to Jodhpur, India for 3 months… which shaped sooooo many ways I think about the world, family, the pace of life.

So for me, 22 was the beginning of life. The end of childhood. The beginning of getting to know me.

From 2001-2023, I’ve been surviving the childhood phase of my children while working my butt off.

As of May 10, 2023, that phase ended, and I have joined Arabella in her adult adventures!

And it is so wonderful to see who she has become.

– She is an includer, wanting to bring in new friends to enjoy her old friends.

– She is patient and a good listener. Her friends have various disabilities and she has a different level of kindness for each of them (as they do with her).

– She is brave, jumping into employment and exercise and sooo many opportunities everyday.

And I’m along to provide the ride!

Arabella and a group of friends heading out to a Pirate-themed dance!

Creating spaces

I spend a lot of time in my home.

I have a job and a business out of my home. I homeschool 2 boys. And Darin keeps me home a lot since this is the space he functions best in.

So I need this space to bring me peace and joy.

And I love making things beautiful. Building and decorating are my art outlet.

And home projects, unlike raising children, have a beginning and an end. That’s nice!

My biggest project so far has been to transform my kitchen and den area.

When we bought this house, the kitchen was builder grade stuff from the 1980’s. I hated the cabinets, so I immediately removed the cabinet doors so I didn’t have to see them.

The kitchen had weird things like this desk area (above) with a useless mini cabinet to the left.

Brown walls

And a window seat that was a little too high for anyone to sit on, so it collected junk.

Window seat

Replaced with shelves

And ugly lighting that was mismatched.

Over the sink

Mid-kitchen coordinated with over the sink

Along with white tile floor, white Formica and an outdated narrow bar behind the sink.

This kitchen is an amazing size. It’s pretty much why we bought the house, added to by the adjoining den that gives us 2 living rooms.

When people come over, it’s the central gathering spot.

But it needed to be improved.

This project started in July when I thought I had lots of time.

And then all my time disappeared when we learned about a work audit in mid-August that I needed to prep for.

So I’ve been working on it about 8 weeks.

I’m so glad to finally complete it along with some upgrade to the adjacent den.

Removed the tile floor and Formica counters. Replaced floor with vinyl plank and counters with butcher block.

Add 2 lower cabinets to replace the useless desk/mini cabinet

Build a soffit above all the cabinet to enclose the open space

Move the cabinet above the refrigerator forward so I can reach it.

Build a box for the fridge to hold upper cabinet

Cut down cabinet and install apron under mount sink

Add beadboard as wainscot & backsplash

Cut down raise bar and replace with counter height peninsula

Add bead board to cabinets ends and learn to coordinate moulding

Turn a cabinet into a trash & recycling drawer

Improve the window shelves with moulding

Paint walls in kitchen & den to match

The only thing I didn’t do myself was paint the cabinets. I didn’t want to wrestle with that much oil-based paint.

I’m so pleased with the outcome!

Finding Darin

Raising Darin might be the most refining activity of my life. No other project requires me to stand apart from everyone and determine what is right so carefully.

The past 4 years have been huge in this area. Discovering how much teachers, school, and autism understanding can affect his behavior has transformed our lives.

It started with our amazing teacher Ms Lowe, the first teacher Darin had in Friendswood, for 2nd grade. It continued with Ms Leslie at Windsong in 4th & 5th, as well as Kyle working with Darin at home. Those 4 people figured out how Darin could learn academics, manage his behaviors, and learn to play & stay on task himself.

This all led to a great summer 2018.

Then came the Fall.

Fall 2018 was a nightmare. Darin moved from Windsong to Friendswood Junior High.

By day 2 of 6th grade, I knew his teacher, Ms Byrd, lacked all the understanding of Ms Lowe, Ms Stamper, and Ms Leslie. She was using methods tested and determined ineffective with Darin.

By week 7, I was so concerned I had held multiple team meetings and reached out to the Special Ed Director.

That’s when it became unbearable. Darin was trying to communicate something (all behavior is communication) and I didn’t know what. But he was regressing to disrupted behavior we hadn’t seen since 2013. He started peeing on the floor at school. He threw multiple things at our TV.

When I entered a team meeting at school week 9, I found out he had been removed to a separate classroom without other students, and with one adult at a time. No one would nail down what day that began, but someone mentioned 3 weeks in passing…

Coincidence? I think not. All the worst had happened in the last 3 week…

Honestly, the stress was killing my gut. All day I dreaded the report of his day at school.

After the meeting on 10/23, I was driving around crying. I couldn’t imagine his day in an isolated room.

So on 10/26, I sent a recording device to hear his day. Maybe it was better than my fears. Maybe he really required reinforcements every minute to stay on task. Maybe the staff was doing all they could to manage him.

Or maybe not.

Over the weekend of 10/26-10/28, I listened to a recording of his day from 7:45a-2:30p.

It started out pretty good.

• A sweet paraeducator sat chatting with him before school started, while he listened to music on his iPad.
• Once school started, he continued with music on the iPad for about 15 min.
• Then a teacher came in to work on Spelling for 15 min… he was engaged, compliant, and DIDN’T get any reinforcement for 15 mins. Good job, Darin!
• Then he got back on his iPad with music for 30 min.

At this point, I think “wow, he is a lot more compliant during lessons than I’ve been told” and “he is using his iPad a lot”. Not criminal.

• Then his main teacher comes in and works with him about 20 min. He’s happy and laughing, and engaged. Once again no reinforcements or special prompts were used.

The lesson is totally unplanned. But again not criminal, just disappointing.

• Then he gets his iPad again… about 10:30 in the morning… after about 35 mins of instruction, and 45 mins of iPad… and HIS INSTRUCTION FOR THE DAY WAS COMPLETE.
• He spent 2 class periods listening to his iPad music, alone with a Para, with minimal conversation and nothing offered to do.
• Then he was taken out of the room for lunch.
• When he returned, he was yelled at and his iPad was removed. He was passed between a para & the teacher, who both yelled at him… and the teacher told him to lay on the floor, put his noise in the corner, that he wasn’t going to be wanted by the person picking him up, that if he peed on the floor he wouldn’t get to go home.
• So he peed. And the teacher reported that he was just laying on the floor with his iPad and he peed out of the blue.

This was psychological manipulation, threatening of being held hostage, fear-mongering, and gas-lighting.

This was all my worst nightmare.

But it was also a clear understanding of what he was communicating to me by his crazy behavior in the past few weeks.

So I told him this…

• that I understood him
• that I was sorry
• that I didn’t know they were treating him this way

And I started pointing out how I was trying to be different…

• “I am listening and trying to help you”
• “I am not ignoring you”
• “I am here for you”

The transformation was spectacular.

He really started calming down.

And clinging to me. If I tried to go to the gym in the evening, he wanted to go along. He barely let me out of his sign.

But he was otherwise calm.

Then he spread his trust to Arabella. About 2 weeks after this discovery, I really noticed this change:

We went to Jumping Jungle, and he barely played away from Arabella & I, and eventually just sat in her lap.

Within 2 more weeks, Darin’s whole demeanor had changed at home. We took him to visit a small church, without a special needs class to attend, and he remained with us in the service quietly for 95% of the time, only leaving to get a drink & returning quietly.

It has now been 2 months of building trust and learning better how to really understand Darin and here is what I have concluded:

1. I am so thankful for the 4 great years of teachers who made it easy for me to spot when things were not right.
2. When you cannot speak up, it is so easy for someone in authority to shape the narrative about you…. it is abuse and I will fight for accountability.
3. Listening and showing Darin I understand him has great rewards! So far, we have experienced some of the greatest holidays of our family’s life, and the difference is wonderful.

It’s hard to be thankful for anything horrible, but I am thankful to understand Darin better and what that has led to.

This has also led me to be super protective of him, and unwilling to take chances with his emotional safety.

• We tried a new school, specifically for kids with autism, Children’s Oasis Education Program. After 2 days, I had seen multiple red flags that they were no more equipped than Ms Byrd.
• In 2019, I am working on a plan for him to be taught at home by special educators and myself, and we will combine this with community activities to provide a full life of learning, support, and love.

This is not the path I foresaw, but it is the road before me. By His grace, I will walk it in hope that He has always given me what I need for Darin.

Feeling stupid not generalizing

So this week, I had 2 typical experiences in new settings in close enough time, that they shined light on each other….

1. Darin went to day camp and got in lots of trouble the 1st day. Then I figured out he didn’t have 1-on-1 support, that was added, and he was able to continue with daycamp.
2. We tried putting Darin in a class at church, so we could listen to the sermon, and he lasted 10 mins… and Joel missed the rest of the service sitting in the hall with him.

And it clicked for me:
Church is the only setting where we try to put him in a class without 1-on-1 support, pretending in that setting he is typical.
We don’t do it at school, or day camp, or VBS.
But week after week, we are shocked it goes terrible at church.

Unfortunately, this realization was not accompanied by a solution.

Interestingly, the sermon at the church we visited today was about Act 6:1-13, where the 1st church had to address unmet needs within the church.

I wish this didn’t feel like a unique need that not everyone shares. I don’t want to be the one with the need.

What are other special needs kids doing within small churches?

A year in Maine

Have you ever been on a vacation & wished you could stay longer?

This year has been like an extended vacation for me. It’s my first year not to work full-time since Holden was 1 yr old.

It has truly been the best way to see Maine – river swimming in the summer, fire-building outside as the leaves change, hibernating for the winter in ‘Narnia’, and now watching the green & pink explode.

But the best part has been getting to know the people here. They live and think distinctly different than I’ve ever lived. They value things I have never known.

While moving back and forth across the country was an expensive way to experience this, I am so thankful for this year.

Life Redesign – Goal 4: Review of OnceAMonthMeals.com

I tried out Once A Month cooking using Once A Month Meals Traditional Menu – January 2014.

Pros:

• It has been really nice to have food to take out of the freezer for dinner.
• Most of the meals have been really tasty.

Cons:

• The calculations on both the shopping list & the recipes were not 100% accurate. Probably 80%… but when you are cooking for 8-10 hrs, 20% can be very frustrating.
  • The biggest deal has been portions for eating – meals that had me put one recipe in 4 gallon bags only have fed 3-4 people. So I should have realized when it said “10 servings” on the recipe, I should put it in 2 gallon bags – only getting 2 dinners, not 4 out of it.
  • The most confusing part was that they had me cook a certain # of lbs of each meat ahead of time, but it was portioned in recipes in cups… So it didn’t spread out quite right. Luckily, I had frozen precooked chicken in my freezer…

Overall, I think the method is good… I think the recipes & variety are great!

I’ll probably try it one more time to see how it goes.

Life Redesign – Goal 3: Begin spending time getting to know the hearts of women in my church – 1 month report & New Goal 5: Get consistent with bible study.

Mixed reviews on this one…

I have really enjoyed meeting for lunch with several ladies from church. I was really excited when I got invited to lunch with 3 ladies… I hadn’t realized how much initiating I had been doing.

Several ladies got together to plan a bible study. They are open to trying my beloved method through Kay Arthur’s Precept Ministries International of inductive bible study. But to do that, I’ve got to step up and lead it… which also means I have to keep up with my homework! I’ve spent my 10 years attending Precept bible studies at Houston’s First Baptist Church and Sagemont Church, and since I worked full-time, I never made myself do all the homework.
So this is good for me… I need to do the homework. I have the time. I need to make it important.
So we will be doing Matthew Chapters 1-13 for the next 8 weeks.

I guess this meets Goal 5: Get consistent with bible study

This month has also been hard. I have experience some spiritual attack that made me want to walk away. I have put myself out there and been criticized, and I realize it would be so much easier to leave the church work to Joel.

Then I must remember:
I was called to follow The Lord and minister with my life BEFORE Joel. Before kids.

I don’t have the option to turn away. Turning away will be like deciding not to be me.

Our adoption stories

Here are the stories of our adoption:

1. When Darin joined our family
2. Making adjustments for Darin
3. Ode to Darin’s birth mother
4. Missing Darin’s birth mother